During a long period of depression and anger in my life I asked God to uncover and show me the cause of all this pain. That was in October 2011. Up until that time I had been in the grip of a cycle of sin and repenting and sin and repenting. Romans 7 experience.
It seemed to me that God hated me and that He was the one tormenting me. How could He ask me to be obedient and not help me!? I wished he would simply kill me and send me to the hell below. I struggled with self loathing and despaired of ever pleasing God. But then I prayed that prayer above. I said to God
” No matter what it costs me please show me the cause of my self hatred and accusations against You God.”
What followed shocked me and lifted me up out of the miry clay I had been stuck in for so long.
I had been reading a blog by Daniel Yordy for a few years and he mentioned an author about 12 months before this prayer I prayed in Oct 2011. I had visited the authors web page and read what Daniel linked to.
I enjoyed it but noticed that the author seemed to speak against eternal damnation.
I told my wife at that time in 2010 about it…and stopped reading that author’s work. “Too bad he was a heretic”…I thought.
So now, I had prayed this prayer for enlightenment in Oct 2011. So on the eve of my 50th birthday in December 2011, I was reminded of that author I thought was a heretic.
So I went again to read his work.
“The Savior of the World” – J. Preston Eby
As I read the very first pages my heart burned within me and it all made sense to me this time. I could not put it down! I printed it out at the time and read it through over the next week. A big volume!! 412 A4 pages I think.
I wept with joy at the message of hope.
The dots connected for me and I was set free from this darkness that had been accusing God of evil. I repented of much and God loved on my soul through that book. That was the beginning of a new life for me.
The result of this enlightenment was that the sting of Hades was pulled out of me. The spike with its poisonous message has been removed. The poison that insidiously suggests that God loves conditionally.
That God will throw us into eternal damnation if we don’t obey properly. Such a message denies the grace of God, and those who believe in the eternal message of hell are unknowingly self-righteous and do not rely on the grace of Jesus to save them.